My mind and performance

Today is a grim day for me, that I am once again, will be jobless after the month of August. Even so, I am happy I had this opportunity together and how hard it is to become an educator. I am grateful to experience this, so I had no argument with the boss that I made terrible decisions for the past few months ago. 

In my early childhood year, my mother passed away, which is caused me in a brink of sadness. At first, it becomes a trigger to me whenever people mentioned about my late mother. I would always cry. I did what I could to steel myself, without any help from a doctor or psychiatry.

I did notice a change within me. Mostly mentality. I can't comprehend the common sense of a decision. Even taking action to solve the problem. I sorta, forgot them, swiping left. Until it resurfaces again. Which is quite annoying to do my task.

Because of this, I begin to fear what might happen to me if I took another job in a different position. Is it going to repeat it again until I may incapable to do the task alone? Most of the employers of a certain company look for proactive workers in nowadays industries. Especially engineers. I believe the young graduates are seeking for the job only to be restricted with the working experience requirements. Those are the one employer looks for. Not just working experience but also being proactive mind. 

I may have been not improved myself during becoming a lecturer, teacher because I was never exposed to those areas yet. Somehow, I've noticed that I am being assigned to multiple tasks. Not just as a lecturer, but also as a workshop technician to keep inventory and such. The only problem is the missing working flow that I may have abandon causing incapable to plan out my study schedules for my students to grow, but it also to look into their shoes and most of them have no desire to learn. Most of the students who registered are dropouts and their parents revert to the next plan by sending them here to have a second chance of being technicians.

Some may take an opportunity to ask their parents to buy them a brand new laptop and smartphones to escape and playing games. Some wanted to get a date. Mostly wanted to be treated like kings. Now, I'm worried that I may begin to shrink from my responsibility and unable to give valuable lessons to my students as most of them are condemned me as incompetent. That may true for I failed to give instructions or control my students. 

I don't want to be a sneak. Hiding my true self and unable to accept my behavior as a flaw. I wanted to grow, to become a better person and capable to teach my students and myself. And, hopefully, I won't forget a lot just because I'm stressed over it causing to keep misplaced information.

I wished I could perform better in myself and to give the commitment to the company I may someday land. I wished I would stop procrastinating and keep the job working on without fear of rejection.

That's my problem. Fear of rejection. Hating myself.

I may need to give it a shot and had a wonderful life. Feeling content and happy rather satisfy me with short-term happiness with wealth.